| » the dreamer.
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i wish you would. . . . . but im done wishing. i'll slowly numb myself to relieve all the pain... and forget everything i'm willing to do for you and stop expecting you to do the same i would for you. i'll forget how i truly feel. i'll forget everything. because what i really want to do is ask you to choose between her and me. pero feeling ko na may napili na ikaw kagabi and masakit para sakin na tanggapin iyon pero ano pa ba magagawa ko ? wala din naman eh. kaya sige na, kanya ka na. pero dont worry, i'll be fine with comforting myself. i'm used to it, not as well as i used to, but it's a lot better than any comfort anyone can give me. i'll give you what you want. i'll make us work. i'll communicate. i wont numb myself fully, just enough to forget. to not remember any pains you've caused. to forget about them chicks. to forget about expectations. forget about the past. i dont wanna care anymore. hell. i dont care anymore. i've reached my limitation with caring and what not. because in my mind, you've already chosen. they warned me about that. and they were right. but i'm stubborn. and i've got no one to blame but myself.
i know and you know that i've never liked her even before i met her. because of all that she's done with you. from what you've told me, honestly, i see her as a gold digging whore that was out for a good piece of dikk. aha. i'll keep the rest of my thoughts to myself. but you know what, maybe she's a better friend to you than i'll ever be. so whatever. keep her. but dont blame me if you feel like im pulling away. i'll make sure i dont completely pull away. just enough to not care about your relationship with her. enough to not get jealous of her and anyone else in the matter when it comes to you. enough to quit crying myself to sleep or crying in the shower. because i'm done caring. i'm done killing myself with all these insecurities. i'm done.
ask me if i care ?
-- hell no.
roses are red
violets are blue
fuck you, whore
my love, ( blank ] will pay for
inaaamin ko na minahal kita.
pero ngaun, binabawi ko na.
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| Trouble is my name, and pain is what you'll gain. I bring nothing good into this world. Honestly, I've come to accept it. I'm seriously assured now that everyone else is better off without me. Everybody's lives would be soooo much better and easier without me. I bring so much crap and drama and everything else that it'd be easier if I died.
Family. I miss them soooo much but I really cannot go back. I cant handle any of it anymore. But I want them to be around. I wanna see my sister. I wanna be assured that my mom doesn't cry to herself. I don't like the fact that I'm the main cause of her pain. I love her. She's been through so much shytt to raise me by herself. I hate how I am the reason why she wishes she hadn't been a mother, or at least probably just my mother. She loves me regardless of all the things I do against her will and I don't like hurting her. I miss my daddy. *bawls eyes out* I miss spending time with him by riding bikes and going to indoor ranges. I may hold a grudge on what he's done in the past but he's done a lot more to make up for it. Nobody can protect me like my daddy can. We may not be rich but he does treat me like a princess. Even though we weren't talking on mi birthday, he couldn't help but do something to "celebrate" it. He makes sure that I get the message that he isn't happy with me but I know deep down, he cares. I know he's hurting and I also know that it is because of me. Angelica, oh God, i miss you so fkn much. I may say you're a lil demon child but heck we all know i am too. I pray to God everyday you don't turn out to be like me. I hope you'll be better. Don't hurt mom and dad. I don't think they can bare anymore pain from the ones I've caused. I know for a fact that I am a bad daughter and a bad sister for doing all of these. I am a bad example to my sister and I put my parents to shame. Being proud of the things I do is something I have never been able to accomplish, sadly I doubt it'll ever happen. I love them still. Always have, always will.
Friends. I don't know what I'd do without them. They put up with all my craps and I am scared that one day they might feel like I'm taking them for granted. They have been with me through hell and back. And I am terrified of the fact that they might get into trouble from helping me. I've brought in so much drama and trouble into their lives that they might end up gettin depressed because of my depression. They will go through whatever to help me out and see me happy. I love that about them but it also worries me. Since they all helped out "kidnap" me or stash me in wherever, I'm scared that they'll all get in trouble for helping me out. Sometimes I wonder, what do I give to them ? Other than bunch of depressing thoughts and trouble ? Do I even make any of them happy ? Am I ever able to help them out, one way or another ? I feel like I'm such a bad friend. . . . Do I even deserve such amazing friends ???? =/ I'm such a bitch and I can be really inconsiderate when I'm in a bad mood. I don't know why they are even friends with me. . . .*confused* I wanna be there whenever they need me. For once, I wanna be the one that is needed not the one that needs help. Honestly, if it weren't for them keeping my hopes up and believing in me more than I do in myself, I probably wouldn't be alive right now.
Him. Honestly, I don't know what he sees in me. We both know he can get any girl he wants, but why is HE with ME ?? (--again, I've come to accept the fact that Rexie is right. I am the cause of my own misery.] If i bring trouble into my friends' lives, I've brought more into his. I feel as if I cant make him happy. His life has been nothing but troublesome and complicated since I came along. And with my never ending mood swings, jealousy, and insecurity; I definitely don't/can't make him happy. My depression and mood swings brings him down and switches his mood faster than a blink of an eye. I can't seem to comprehend the fact that he loves me regardless of all my flaws and that he wants only me. But why ? Seriously, me though ? *head spins from thoughts* I want to be able to talk to him. Not just the random ones we have but seriously open myself up to him but I cant seem to let mi guard down or the words just get lost. I want to but my "inner" self isn't allowing me to. (-- O_O chica gone loca.] It hurts me seeing him hurt or helpless or troubled...but I know that I'm the cause of it and that I am able to do something but I'm not letting myself to. I can't seem to let go of that part of me and just be fully open with him. I'm still controlling every thing I do around him. I love him so much and I am terrified to lose him but I'm also aware of the fact that if I lose him, I'll be the only one to blame. Me and my stupidity. I just wanna keep him happy. . . . .but I don't know how. . . .*cries some more* I love him, I do. But the question is, do I deserve him ???? :( I am seriously the worst girlfriend EVER !!
Blah. Blah. Blahs. I don't believe in myself at all. I am a depressed lil shytt with a very low self esteem. Sadly, I know better than to commit suicide now because it won't solve anything (--or so they say]. I've changed. Somethings come back. I'll change again. Sometimes I wonder if all these changes are for the best ? I hate making people worry about me, but I'm rather good at it. I don't do it on purpose, it just happens. I don't care what some people think about me, but no matter what you say, I honestly do love my family with all my heart. I'm probably not showing my love for them in the best way, but I do love them. People who thinks I'm all drama ? Yeah, I pretty much am. I don't go looking for it, it just comes out and finds me. Just like trouble. In general, I think I'm a bad person. I am not needed in this world because chances are I won't do any good in it. I'm tired of crying, definitely tired of trying, but I've gotta keep on living. I've to break expectations, start doing something good in my life. Take control and achieve goals. Make somebody proud of me. . . . I've gotta...
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| Seriously i dont know why im always so hungry. I just wanna eat everything i cant have. If only i wasnt broke, i'd be able to buy whatever i want. . . . . I want foooooooood !!!!!!! :( | | |
| To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. . . . .
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| Everyone's life is driven by something. What is the driving force of your life?
1. GUILT = People who spend their entire lives running from regrets and hiding their shame.
Guilt-driven people are manipulated by memories. They allow their past to control their future. They often unconsciously punish themselves by sabotaging their own success. When Cain sinned, his guilt his guilt disconnected him from God's presence and God said, "You will be a restless wanderer on earth." We are products of our past but we don't have to be prisoners of it. God's purpose is not limited by your past.
2. Resentment & Anger = People who hold on to hurts and never get over them.
Instead of releasing their pain through forgiveness, they rehearse it over and over in their minds. Some resentment-driven people "clam-up" and internalize their anger, while others "blow-up" and explode into others. Both responses are unhealthy and unhelpful. Resentment always hurt you more than it does the person you resent. While your offender has already forgotten the offense and gone on with life, you continue to stew in your pain, perpetuating the past.
Listen: Those who have hurt in the past cannot continue to hurt you unless you hold on to the pain through resentment. Your past is past. Nothing will change it. Your only hurting yourself with your bitterness. For your own sake, learn from it, and then let it go. The Bible says, "To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do."
3. Fear = People who are afraid to avoid risks and often miss great opportunities.
Fear is self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends you to be. You must move against it with the weapons of faith and love. The Bible says, "Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgment - is one not yet fully formed in love."
4. Materialism = People who desire to acquire becomes the whole goal in their lives.
This drive to always want more is based on the misconceptions that having more will make more happy, more important, and more secure, but all three ideas are untrue. Possessions provide temporary happiness. It's also a myth that if I get more, I will be more important. Self-worth and net worth are not the same. Your value is not determined by your valuables, and God says the most valuable things in life are not things. Real security can only be found in that which can never be taken from you-your relationship with God.
5. Need for Approval = People who allow other people to control their lives.
They try to earn approval of people around them through expectations and sometimes peer pressure. One key to failure is to try to please everyone. Being controlled by the opinions of others is a guaranteed way to miss God's purpose in your life. Jesus said, "No one can serve two masters."
There are forces that can drive your life but all leads to the same dead end: unused potential, unnecessary stress, and an unfulfilled life. Without a purpose, life is motion without a meaning, activity without direction, and events without reason.
Nothing matters more than knowing God's purposes for your life
So. . . What drives your life?
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